I'm really into asian looking animals
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
