Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
