i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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