do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
