Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
