When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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