Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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