I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
