Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
