I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
