i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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