Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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