Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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