if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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