I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
