I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
