WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
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Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
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Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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