She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
This baby is an asshole
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
