Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
