I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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