I accidentally burped into my bong.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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