I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
