He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
