ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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