last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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