You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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