how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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