I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
