Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
