i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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