I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
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She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
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She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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