I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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