mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
