Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
