you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize