saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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