Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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