i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
