The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
