I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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