And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Randomize
