i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Randomize
