you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
