I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
