i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
