Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
