yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
