Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
