I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
