This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
