OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
