Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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