my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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