I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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