wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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