I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
