oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You don't make any sense
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